Ranthead: Star Wars Raped My Childhood

Have I anywhere publicly expressed my loathing for Star Wars? I am not sure that I have. I feel the urge to do so now. Why? Because my children have the Star Wars Lego computer game and the sound of R2D2 screaming like he is being introduced to twelve inches of wookie meat is driving me insane.

Yes, I used to like Star Wars. I think love is not too stronger word to use to describe how I felt about the original trilogy. They were part of my childhood and thanks to the scheduling of British TV they became inextricably linked with Christmas in the same way that James Bond and the Snowman were.

Then the new trilogy happened. Except that isn\’t where it started to go wrong — no, it went wrong on the special editions where they digitally added in a load of unnecessary crap. It was hard to see the original versions anymore unless you relied on the battered VHS copies you had.

So what\’s wrong with the new trilogy? It looks pretty enough, doesn\’t it? Sure, it does, that\’s true, but that is about all it has going for it. It has bad dialogue, Jar Jar Binks, Anakin fucking Skywalker played really badly by two different people, Obi One-Of-The-Campest-Performances-Ever Kenobi, the most unconvincing rise of an evil emperor ever (what convincing political machinations (like elmo does Machiavelli\’s The Prince)), the most unconvincing succumbing to evil ever (stand up Annie), and goddamn fucking mitochondrians. Does that cover all of it? Maybe.

I mean, I even bought some of the books about the designing of the new films and I have to say that just on a visual level I kind of fell in love with a lot of aspects of the project. But it is like unwrapping a ferrero rocher to discover a small turd in there or even worse a ferrero rocher — you are really spoiling us. I wasted money going to a cinema to see the first film and felt like I had been reamed with a light saber while George Lucas, chinless wonder that he now is, stood over me smiling and blathering on about artistic integrity which he thinks he has because he funded this himself *cough*.

If it\’s any consolation, and it isn\’t, he isn\’t the only one to go and fuck over a childhood memory — Spielberg did it with ET. Am I being overly precious? Sure, probably am. That old adage about if it ain\’t broke don\’t fix it should be tattooed inside the eyelids of both of these men. Spielberg redeemed himself  by making some great fucking films, what did Lucas do? Made more money.

One of the worst excuses for the travesty of the script that I have been given is that it is science fiction and I can\’t expect great dialogue. Excuse me? Exactly where does that fucked up ill-informed notion come from? Oh, it it because a few flash SFX have replaced your brain with hot gobs of wookie cum and you forgot every great sci-fi film and novel of the last century? People who defend Star Wars are stood on sinking sand. The hardcore fans — any who stumble across this little pooling of bile will want to kill me — fine, come on, I am waiting … dazzle me with your unfailing logic; convince me I am wrong. I am throwing down the gauntlet.